13/1/2025
Somehow, over time, I’ve managed to feel unimaginably worse about it. I’ve just returned to the city we had our story in and every corner we existed in reminds me of him. It’s horrible. I go out and suddenly burst into tears. And I’ve tried to distract myself with hobbies, good food, sleep, exercise, and I have surrounded myself with people I love. Yet I feel so much worse than I did a couple of days ago.
Maybe it’s because it feels more final. And maybe I have more introspection on the situation, knowing what I did wrong and being unable to tell him. To fix it almost. And being so, so angry. I don’t think I have ever felt so mad and disillusioned with the world. To hate someone so much because they promise to love you and care for you and then hurt you. To be mad that the timing isn’t right. And so angry at yourself for not being better for someone you cared about. Then turning over the thoughts until they become a tornado of guilt and regret of not being able to do it right the first time.
And underlying all these feelings is sadness. That what we had will now only be memories, that they aren’t real anymore. And I am so sad that I was over-anxious, over-analysing, and I wasn’t alive and in the present moment a lot of the time we were together. Because of how badly I wanted it to be perfect. I don’t know what to do, I am so lost. The only thing that is saving me through all of this is the phrase that everything will be okay, because that’s the way it has to be.