A Little More Life

  • Nosferatu – movie review from a 20 year old

    16/1/2025

    I went to see this movie with a new friend in a lovely art deco cinema. It was completely different from what I thought it was going to be like. As always with this little blog, here are my random thoughts.

    Nosferatu follows Ellen (Lily Rose Depp with black hair – making her look sicker and plainer than her usual elfish self) and her relationship with Count Orlock (Dracula basically) who seeks to repossess her after she marries her current husband Thomas (Tony from Skins). Turns out she revoked a marriage pact that she had made with the Count when she was a young girl as an escape from the isolation that came after her mother’s death. 

    Lily Rose Depp’s acting was wonderful – her facial expressions in moments where she was possessed were particularly captivating. This was especially surprising since the only other thing I had seen her in recently was that train wreck with the Weeknd. I loved the visuals and the atmosphere of the film too, they really made the movie completely unsettling. And I was constantly on edge which is not the usual case for me in horror movies.  My friend who recommended the film said it was like Poor Things…it was absolutely the complete opposite. I blame her for looping my other unsuspecting friend into a chilling and graphic horror where our skins were crawling the entire time when I expected, and sold the movie, as an aesthetic, lighthearted, but eclectic comedy. …we probably should have watched the trailers.

    I found it interesting that it was ambiguous whether or not Helen actually enjoyed her tryst with the Count. Obviously she must have been ashamed of it, being against the ideals of Victorian Society and purity, and him being some wrinkly, old, man. But on some level I think she enjoyed the specialness it gave her. She was a child of loneliness, abandoned by both her mother in death and her father in emotion, but had been chosen by a powerful spirit of the universe which gave her life meaning. I get the feeling of loneliness, and have my own terrible choices in men, but Jesus she must have been really lonely to have multiple encounters with a decaying body. Imagine the smell! I feel way worse for poor Thomas though, especially when he kisses her hand when the wrinkled dead body of the Count was on top of her, probably even inside her at that point. LOL. Traumatic. Poor dude definitely needs some therapy after this. 

  • When the heartbreak gets worse a week later

    13/1/2025

    Somehow, over time, I’ve managed to feel unimaginably worse about it. I’ve just returned to the city we had our story in and every corner we existed in reminds me of him. It’s horrible. I go out and suddenly burst into tears. And I’ve tried to distract myself with hobbies, good food, sleep, exercise, and I have surrounded myself with people I love. Yet I feel so much worse than I did a couple of days ago.

    Maybe it’s because it feels more final. And maybe I have more introspection on the situation, knowing what I did wrong and being unable to tell him. To fix it almost. And being so, so angry. I don’t think I have ever felt so mad and disillusioned with the world. To hate someone so much because they promise to love you and care for you and then hurt you. To be mad that the timing isn’t right. And so angry at yourself for not being better for someone you cared about. Then turning over the thoughts until they become a tornado of guilt and regret of not being able to do it right the first time.

    And underlying all these feelings is sadness. That what we had will now only be memories, that they aren’t real anymore. And I am so sad that I was over-anxious, over-analysing, and I wasn’t alive and in the present moment a lot of the time we were together. Because of how badly I wanted it to be perfect. I don’t know what to do, I am so lost. The only thing that is saving me through all of this is the phrase that everything will be okay, because that’s the way it has to be.

  • Learning To Find Your Flow And How To Live In Harmony With It

    7/1/2025

    I always had a problem with trying too hard. And I always felt the resistance, the feeling deep down inside that knows that something is off. I had always ignored it because I found it hard not to live in accordance to other people and their rules, for the benefit of society and how I seemed and not for what I truly wanted.

    There have also been times where I have felt the flow of life and those times are the only times where I knew for sure that what I was doing felt right. I think it is those moments that you are acting in harmony with you. There has always been a peace that has come with the flow because it is the path of least resistance and in accordance to the natural path.

    I don’t believe there is a formula for this though. I have tried many times to figure out how to get to that point of acceptance and letting go. I have spent hours sleuthing on Youtube and Reddit, listening to advice on what to do and how to live. Looking back though, I don’t think any of it actually helped. I couldn’t implement the advice because I couldn’t internalise it and I couldn’t feel its purpose. I think finally I figured out that the answer is to just to trust yourself. To sit in those feelings and breathe and let it guide the way. I firmly believe that the answer is inside all along, you just have to trust that it is there.

    In a conversation with a friend and a trip to China, I discovered that this is the philosophy of Taoism. To find the path of least resistance and move in harmony with nature and what is meant to be. I am holding onto this as I move with my life. To not try to hard, and to understand that things turn out for the better and fall into place. There is a hope in this that will get us through hard times, not only spiritually but it has also been confirmed psychologically. In Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl, he explains that one of the ways to persevere through suffering is to find meaning. If you believe that any pain you are going through is for the best, and that it is meant to be, I believe you can get through anything.

    Life is hard and confusing and often doesn’t work out the way we want it to. I have never been able to predict what wonderful things, good or bad, have fallen into its path. The only thing I do know is that it will be okay, and that I have always been able to move forwards, with more knowledge, understanding, and grace in my heart.

    .

  • Hello world!

    6/1/2025

    What a classic way to start a blog post. I almost feel old with this title, but as everyone I have recently asked for advice has reminded me – I am exceptionally young. I don’t feel very young though. I feel like I have gone through a lot of life but I know that they are right and I haven’t at all.

    Unlike when I was younger, I feel like the older I grow up the less I know and the less sure I am about everything and everyone. It’s a strange feeling to experience more of the world but realise you know even less every time. What catapulted this feeling was my break up with my very best friend, my rock for the last three years of my life, someone I loved so deeply (to the extent that you can love at 20). I truly believed that this would be it forever. Your best friend turned lover is the most romantic love story that can be, and l am a hopeless romantic.

    Yet, at the very same time that I desperately wanted to be with my best friend, I knew a part of my soul wasn’t ready. I spent a majority of the last four years of my life chasing happiness through romantic partners and deriving my value through them. I knew this was a problem when we started seeing each other but I was too blindly in love and in denial to follow through with I wanted. Not only was I afraid to lose someone I loved but I was afraid to trust myself. And here I am, half a year later, in pain but given the wonderful opportunity to finally do so.

    So I thank my lover for the love he has shown me and I thank him for setting me free.